I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
