i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
