Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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