I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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