I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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