I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
