saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
