____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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