Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
