she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
