She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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