Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
