i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
