I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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