I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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