Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Randomize
