John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
