why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
