You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
