after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The Olympian is in my bed
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
