census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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