You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
