I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She told me I should be a condom model.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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