I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
