Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
