3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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