We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
