Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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