just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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