When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
