My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
