If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
