He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
