Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
