we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize