My liver just broke up with me...
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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