Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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