I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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