Kareoke will never be a sober sport
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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