Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
