peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
