thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Randomize
