Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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