It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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