Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
