don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
