I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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