Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
