I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
