And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
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