All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
