Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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