My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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