The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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