My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My liver just broke up with me...
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
