Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize