I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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