Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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