its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
